I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
