I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
