I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
