I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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