So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
