I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
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I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
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I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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