i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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