you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
