super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Randomize
