The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
