all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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