On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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