I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
