Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
