nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
