Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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