well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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