I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
