Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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