Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
