Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
