you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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