hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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