my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
