So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
