he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
