If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
