do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
