Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
