How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
