im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
