Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
