Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
