The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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