The maid of honor just puked.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
