Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
