I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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