wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
