just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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