I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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