Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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