If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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