I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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