Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
