i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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