someone threw a dead crab at me
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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