we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
