My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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