sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
