I can tuck mytits in my pants
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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