Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
