Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
