I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
