I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
