She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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