well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Randomize
