So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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