as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
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Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
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I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
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