At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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