Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
