: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
