feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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